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Suicide ideations can reach any individual for a variety of reasons. We each have our own story. This is mine.

From the time I was nine months old I was diagnosed with chronic eczema that covered my body from head to toe.  I was restricted from my passions: sports and candy. My skin was too severe to play sports due to equipment and outdoor allergies; and candy was not allowed due to the multitude of allergies my many doctors diagnosed me with. My days were mostly spent at home, bed-ridden and in constant pain. I wasn’t able to have showers because the pressure from the water would crack open my skin, leaving a puddle of blood running down the drain. Each morning I would wake up with my eyes glued shut from puss. I would blindly search for the wash cloth next to my bed, dap it over my eyes to allow me to partially see. Then I would have to ring a bell for my mom to help me walk to the bath because the eczema between my joints would dry overnight, and I would be unable to open them. So my mom would grab my arm and help guide me as I walked similar to an aged man with arthritis.

 

 

By the time I was twelve years old, my world was dark, painful, and hopeless. I believed I was a burden to my loved ones. I believed if I left the world, life would be easier for those around me. The constant chronic pain I felt led me to believe that life wasn’t worth living anymore.  Doctors from around the world would come see me in the hospital to observe and learn due to the rarity of my condition. Additional to that,  I was informed by my doctors that I may not grow out of my condition due to its severity. I felt my only purpose of living was to be a lab rat. At this point in my life, I was being homeschooled because the external environment of my school worsened my skin.  I would spend my days laying in bed, feeling helpless, hopeless, and sad. I was like a caged orchid – my heart and soul trapped because exposure would hurt my body.  I wanted out. In that pain, the thoughts and ideas of not wanting to live anymore crept into my head.  I rationalized it was the best thing for me and my family – I truly thought that life without daily pain and the burden my pain placed on my family would be best. The thoughts echoing inside my mind telling me to take my life frightened me. The rationale side of me was telling me I wanted to live, so I reached out and told my mom about my suicidal thoughts. Looking back, it turns out that this was the first step to getting the help I needed. My mom sent me to a psychologist. After a few sessions, my psychologist helped me to see my purpose and the reasons for this disease and my suffering; that facing such adversity would help me understand and relate in order to help others in my future. I was given a new sense of fulfilment. I was given hope. From that day forward, I knew one day I was going to be a psychologist. And here I am today, and I am very proud and happy to have found my calling.
I often remind myself of how I was successful in facing my adversities and  how it could have been different if I hadn’t reached out for help.  I would repeat to myself,  “One day it will get better and then I can help others.”

To this day,  it continues to give me strength and determination to not only help myself but to be skilled and capable in helping others who are reaching out and in need of support in their life struggles.
Im grateful that I had enough faith and trust in a relationship with my mom to have spoken out about what I was going through so I could get the help I needed. So often we may not feel safe to reach out for support and  sometimes it can make us feel alone.
Seeing a psychologist was essential to reconnecting to that life force that was always there but trapped inside this force field that held my soul from expanding out. The adversities I have faced in my life have set me on a course to support others facing such adversities. It is an honour that I can now offer that support and compassion for others who may feel stuck and trapped and possibly just out of reach to their life force.

 

 

You’re not alone. I am here to help, REACH OUT TO ME TODAY and let me help you through your dark days.

Luke Tougas, MC
Registered Provisional Psychologist